Comme Ci, Comme Ca

It has been three years since my grandpa passed away. The world lost one of its better men on 26/4/05. And a little girl lost her favourite thatha.

Thatha was and still remains my Hollywood Hero. Handsome. Poised. Witty. You probably thought there is no such thing as the ideal man. But he did exist. Until that day. He survived three heart attacks and fought the fourth one for 2 days before giving in. Somehow while he was in the hospital battling to live, I was convinced he would easily win that time too. I was convinced he would come out smiling and crack a joke or two about the doctor. But I was wrong. I took thatha for granted.

I hadn’t been allowed to visit him at the hospital. A lot was left unsaid and I didn’t get to bid goodbye. I want to say those things now.

Dear thatha,

Did you know you are my fav grandpa? Appa’s Dad passed away way before I was born…but even if he had lived to see me, I’m sure you would still be my favourite.

I miss you a great deal. And sometimes I cry. I know you wouldn’t want me to, but I cry in spite of myself.

It’s right what they say about how we value people less when they are around, and realize how important they are when it’s too late. I used to get angry when you laughed at the way I spoke Tamil or made fun of my clothes. ‘Pants are for boys.’ I wish you would say that to me again. I’m mature enough now to accept and enjoy the affectionate teasing. Now, more than ever I would have been able to laugh at the many anecdotes and incidents you used to relate. At that time, I didn’t understand them and wished you would play carrom with us instead. You were too intelligent for me, a mindless freaky kid back then.

I remember how you would clinically go about doing something as trivial as making a cup of tea. You made it seem like an art. I think I get my perfectionist attitude from you. You told me I read well when I read out newspaper articles for you. That’s a compliment I will treasure all my life, because it came from a man who was a strict aficionado of British English and also a man I greatly admire.

I have so much to learn from you. I could do with a few life lessons right now. How to smile through problems, how to live a perfectly fulfilling life, how to lighten up and many more…it would have been awesome to have you teach me all that. In many ways, you do teach me, through my memories of you. Even when you aren’t here, I have learnt a lot from you.

It has been very long since I’ve hugged you, gone for walks with you or played with your ‘jet white’ hair. It’s hard to accept that I can’t ever do those things again…but I will always draw from the power of the wonderful gift that was your life and my moments with you. I love you thatha.

Goodbye,

Ranji

I didn’t know if I wanted to post this. Then I decided it felt right. But Why do people we love so much have to die? It’s just not fair.